Will God Hate Me?

In terms of sex education what I got was never through school it was mostly through my family and church. It was all abstinence based. My mom took me to see this speaker, Pam Stenzel, at my church. She is strictly abstinence she graphically describes STDS, pregnancy and uses a lot of scare tactics. There was a lot of shame, guilt, and fear in her talk and those are the things I remembered feeling. I remember feeling scared and overwhelmed. I was very young and honestly, my mother might have taken me when I was too young. From there, I really dedicated my life to being a virgin. I though first of all if I have sex God is going to hate me. Pam Stenzel really convinced me if I did have sex before marriage I was going to get an STD or get pregnant, there were no ifs and buts about it. So I really dedicated myself to that. I was really successful at it throughout high school I was successful at avoiding any attempts made by my peers and other people my age. It wasn’t until my 18th birthday when I was sexually assaulted at a party. I couldn’t even understand what happened. Rape wasn’t something I knew besides a guy in an alley or someone you didn’t know. Plus, I never knew what consent was like at all. It wasn’t until I went to Health Services in College when I begin to find out but I was still really confused. I was really devastated. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt like my life was a waste. I don’t even know how to really to describe it. To say it was devastating doesn’t even do it justice. I really feel that the abstinence education I got really contributed to how I processed it and handled it. Not saying that not having abstinence-only would have prevented it but maybe I would have known how to handle it better. Because I handled it really poorly. I became depressed and developed an eating disorder. I think if I had understood what sex is, what it meant, and what consent was, I would have processed it differently when I was sexually assaulted. From there I would act out sexually I didn’t know what protection was, I was 18, I didn’t really care, I felt like I have nothing left to lose because I was no longer a virgin. I felt really distant from my family, they are incredibly religious, conservative people. I didn’t tell them for a long time, but it was really hard when I did tell them. They weren’t mad at me but knowing their feelings towards sex and that they believed sex before marriage was wrong made it really difficult for me. I think I would have really benefitted and could still benefit from a sexual education course. I think you can teach abstinence but you should also teach options and give the full picture with options to let people decide for themselves. Because I really feel like abstinence-only education really sets a person for failure. How are you supposed to teach abstinence-only to someone who has been sexually assaulted?